


Mischances

by qiaolianmay



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-06 22:16:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18860206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qiaolianmay/pseuds/qiaolianmay
Summary: He’s alive and she’s nothing but a speck of dust in space.Alt: Gabriel deals with Katrina's death





	Mischances

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This my first Disco/Katrina Cornwell/Katgabe fic and I'm really quite excited.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy it despite the pain!

The sound of the passcode being keyed-in echoes in the quiet hall of Katrina’s building as Gabriel opens her tiny apartment. It’s been a while since he has been here. Probably years, and yet, there is something about it that feels like home. It was, after all, home to him back in the day. The door opens with a click, stillness, and nostalgia greeted him as he enters the premises. The lonesome chair near the terrace reminds him of their days together when she’d deal with her papers while he cooked her breakfast when he stayed over for the night.

It was their sanctuary.

Nothing has changed in her apartment, except maybe for the color of her walls. Pale light blue replaced the cream one that she had. Slowly, Gabriel places the boxes down and take a deep breath. He can feel the world spinning around him as he takes everything in. Everywhere he looks, there are traces of her (which makes so much sense because this is her apartment and yet, it is still overwhelming his senses). A part of him feels like he shouldn’t be there at all but he’s here for a task that he has wholeheartedly taken, a task that they’re going to assign to someone else if he hadn’t come back. A task that is meant to be personal and having someone else do that job will feel like an invasion of her privacy. But even then, he who is familiar with her still feels like he’s invading it. Maybe because it is the lack of her that made him feel like an outsider to what used to be their haven.

It’s been months, or maybe it has been years. Years of fighting to come back… to return to her.

 

* * *

 

 _He looked for her the moment they rescued him and all he received was pitying glances that he couldn’t explain. For all the ships that could’ve found him, it was the Enterprise that received his transmission and saved him. It was as if they were guided to his direction. Maybe they were. Maybe it was all pure coincidence. He’d never know. It took days before they confirmed that he is of this universe and not an imposter from that vile and dangerous place he came from. It took another seven for him to find out what had happened to her. It was Chris that told him about her sacrifice. That she made a choice for Enterprise to survive. Why she was there in the first place, he never knew. He couldn’t ask. All he felt was the cold shiver that ran down his back the moment his words sink in. He remembered putting his hands on his face. ‘_ What’s the point of going back when she’s gone?’ _Gabriel thought. She was the reason he’s fighting. The reason why he had the courage to come back. He wanted to see that dimpled smile of hers again, the mischief that flickers on her eyes when she thought no one was watching and now… now it’s all just a distant memory that he won’t be able to grasp._

_He then asked Chris to leave._

_He wanted to punch him. He wanted to blame someone else. He blamed himself. If only he wasn’t stuck in that other side of the universe. If only he was fast enough to escape maybe she’d still be here. Maybe he’d be holding her hand now as he tells him what had happened on the other side. He clenched his fist. He couldn’t even cry at the loss. He just felt like an empty shell of himself. Maybe this was just a lucid dream, an effect of the medicine, or maybe just maybe he’s hasn’t really escaped the other place._

 

* * *

 

_Chris visited him the next day. The silence that surrounded them was enough to keep him calm, yet, there were questions in his head that needed answers._

_“What happened?” his voice cracked._

_Christ looked at him dumbfounded for a second before it dawned him what the question was about. He nodded. He understood that Gabriel needed to hear it again. “A photon torpedo hit Enterprise. There was nothing we can do to stop it. We tried rerouting it, tried to navigate around it, but it was impossible. Kat saw the manual access to pull the lever from the inside. Someone has to sacrifice or all of us won’t survive.”_

_“And she did.”_

_“And she did. I tried to stop her. Argued that dying wasn’t my destiny that day, then the torpedo won’t go off.”_

_“but she reasoned out to you. It was a flawless argument on her part. She used her logic against yours and you couldn’t do anything. And then, she pulled the lever and just stood there.”_

_“She did… I’m... I’m sorry, Gabe.” Chris uttered helplessly._

_“Don’t be.” Gabriel shook his head as pools of tears threatened to pushed their way out from his eyes. “It wasn’t your fault. She made that decision even before you entered the room. So it wasn’t your fault. It never was.” He replied._

_Chris sighed defeatedly._

_Gabriel was lost in his thoughts. For what it’s worth, maybe if he was just there… maybe it didn’t happen._

_Chris left him after a moment._

_‘_ She’s really gone,’ _was his last thought before he fell into his bed and closed his eyes._

 

* * *

 

His reverie breaks at the sound of her clock. He looks at the time and the alarm’s set to when they used to call each other back when he was in Buran and she’s stuck on Earth for several conferences. He still remembers vividly the last time they spoke. They were planning on seeing the Perseids again, it was his idea because for the first time in years he’s going home in time for the meteor shower. They already planned on taking a trip to Egypt, for it was one of the prominent places to watch the shower that year. He remembers planning it out perfectly and wanting to ask her if they can finally stop thinking of their careers. Stop choosing their careers and choose them for once. And Katrina being Katrina figured it out and told him with that dimpled smile of hers that they’ll talk about it once he’s back… but war broke and he’s gone.

Slowly, Gabriel holds the clock and stops it. It is one of the first things he put in the box, slowly setting it down and turning it off. They had wasted so much time avoiding the topic that is them, and now just like the clock that he switched off, their time already passed and there’s no chance for them to rekindle what had been gone a long time ago. What remains is just a plethora of memories floating in his head and scenarios that will be playing for a little while until he decides that he can finally move on. When is that, he’ll never know?

He moves to the ledge, on top of it are photos from back in their youth. Katrina and him, a group photo which consists of Kat, Pippa, and him, and some other photos that she took and some are with Chris as well. In the age of everything digital, Katrina still tries to keep physical copies of the photos she took and photos of hers with them. It was a reminder for all of them, when they're together, of their beginnings. What they are now is a product of their chosen destiny, a path they walked to make a new road, she once said.

He takes the photo one by one and smiles at the memories that are right in front of him. It is until he sees the photo that Pippa had taken during Katrina’s birthday. She’s so happy. The photo was a little dark but she shone the brightest. She could always light up the room without her even knowing it. He puts the frame to the box and mentally reminds himself to place it on his desk, surely Kat won’t mind.

He is putting the last frame from the ledge when he notices the psychology books resting on top of the table just below the ledge. Some of it he had seen before when she was still practicing and other new ones now and by the sounds of it, most of them are self-help books about dealing traumas—it was almost a year ago when they talked about the importance of having psychiatrists in every starship. She told him in confidence that she was planning on proposing it to the rest of the Starfleet admirals yet needed further study and research before doing so—He then thinks that maybe, it was the purpose of the books. Research. Gabriel shakes his head; it is so just like her to leave her things where she can easily reach it especially if the thing is important.

He leaves the living room after carrying the stack of books to one of the boxes and goes to her room. The deafening silence that greets him does nothing to help with nausea he is feeling from earlier. The memories that assault him upon entering are formidable that he had to physically hold on to something to keep him steady.

Gabriel’s eyes traveled the room slowly, cataloging every detail and comparing it to the one that he remembers. There are small things that are different but other than those small things, it is still the same. It is still the same room where he held her hand as they talked about their plans in the future. This room is the sole witness of their survival and undoing. Being in this room reminds him of everything they used to be, the happiness and tears that they shared, and the pure passion when they’re together, the life he wanted and had for a little while, the mischances and all the stolen glances after they argue over everything and nothing. It reminds him of the love that they had to let go because of the careers they’ve chosen and the hope he had years ago when she almost said yes, and the despair in their decision to let go upon receiving Katrina’s promotion.

He steps towards the bed. The room faintly smells like her and it brings him inner peace and turmoil all the same. He doesn’t have an idea where to start until he catches sight of a shirt underneath one of the pillows. It is one of his old shirts back in the academy. The shirt smells like her and he recalls how she would steal one of his shirts back in the day. _“It is far more comfortable and it smells like you,”_ she would say with a cheeky grin on her face that showed her dimples.

He missed her greatly.

He closes his eyes briefly before starting. Unlike her living room, Katrina’s quarters only have few things. Books and small trinkets in a shelf near the window. A small desk where she can work in the middle of the night. There is a PADD lying there for her personal logs—he also had one here stored in this room too back in the day. Gabriel takes the PADD and puts it in one of the boxes that he’s carrying earlier. Then, followed by her books. Katrina liked tangible things. Maybe, it’s one of the reasons why they didn’t completely work out, she wanted something concrete but it was something they couldn’t work out. The same thing happened to her and Philippa a long time ago—it was once a topic when they were starting over after so many years being separated with each other—Philippa wanted to explore the universe and Katrina wasn’t someone to hinder that, so, they had to let go.

Katrina and he aren’t soulmates, they aren’t even star-crossed, to begin with. They are two souls that want so much for each other that they tend to let go of what they have together. They fell in love with different people, fallen to bed most times and yet no matter how everything flows, they still find themselves gravitating towards each other when they’re about to reach the point of intersection. It was inevitable, or at least that’s what he thought so. Then, it all happened...

Gabriel proceeds to check her drawers and that’s when he saw it. The midnight blue velvet box. _“She kept it,”_ he mutters to himself solemnly. It was the same box that had their hopes and dreams. The same one that she once wore for a brief time. He opens it and sees the ring nestled beautifully in the middle. It isn’t fancy, it was, in fact, simple and yet it was captivating all the same. It reminds him of her. It was the perfect ring for someone like her.

He admires the ring for a moment before pocketing the box.

Gabriel looks around before continuing towards small storage connecting to her room. It is then that he saw boxes with his name labeled on them. They are neatly stacked in one of her shelves. He takes one to inspect and sees the things that he had kept in his previous apartment. The letters from her that he had kept all those years are tidily sectioned along with some of his personal things. He closes his eyes at the realization that dawns to him. Katrina had done the same thing that he’s been doing for the last hour. He reaches for the letters and notices that some of the papers were a little bit distorted, _“Tears aren’t good for paper because they will only warp your words,”_ He recalls her saying them with a small smile on her face.

Gabriel’s heart sinks. She had mourned for him just as he is mourning for her now.

He can feel his legs giving up, a litany of memories began to play. He can hear her voice echoed in his head telling her that he can do it. That it is ok. She is ok. That everything will be fine but it won’t be. “How will it be fine, Kat? Please tell me how when you’re not here,” he whispers grievously in the middle of the room. He braces himself as he kneels in front of the boxes. He had been so strong or at least so brave in putting up a mask that hidden the despair. His hands are shaking as he held onto something. There is a ping.

_“Lorca, Gabriel, do you accept the last will and testament of Vice Admiral Katrina Cornwell?”_

He looks at the device flabbergasted. He isn’t expecting this. He isn’t expecting anything, to begin with. He can feel his chest going numb, it is as if he’s losing all the energy that he had earlier. He knows that he can just put the device in the box and just flee. God knows that’s what he wants to do but if there’s one thing he learned from all this; it is running away will not do him any good. During their relationship, he had run away multiple times and Katrina let him. It is always him that walked away and he cannot do it now. Especially now.

He looks up at the ceiling and clears his throat, “I accept.”

A beat.

Soft blue light shines in front of him.

_“Hello, Gabriel.”_

He closes his eyes and buries his face on his hand. He can hear the smile on her voice and yet he still can’t seem to look at her.

 _“I… I honestly have no idea why I’m doing this.”_ He looks at the hologram just as she shakes her head. _“You’ve been gone for more than a year now. Everyone moved on and I know, I should too, but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to accept that you are truly gone. Everywhere I look, I see you. I still see your face even when I close my eyes. I try to compartmentalize, I know… I know. You’ve told me multiple times that just because I can doesn’t mean I have to. A part of me would want to believe that you’ve died in that godforsaken another universe upon arriving, because… that’s easier to accept, you know? No one can survive that place alone, yet a bigger part of me still believe that you are well and that you’re coming back,”_ she paused. _“Maybe you are already here if you are seeing this. I’d like to assume that you’ve survived because you’ve always been a survivor, it’s just a shame that I won’t be there to see it. I would’ve loved to see you again, Gabriel… but that seems unlikely now.”_ Her voice cracks. _“And don’t blame yourself, okay? It’s not your fault, Gabe.”_ she smiles softly at him, it is as if she’s looking straight into his soul just like she always does. He noticed that her hair is longer than he remembers and the lines around her eyes deepened. She looked tired yet still as beautiful as the day he first saw her. He clenches his fist.

 _“I went to see it, you know. The Perseids. It was still as magnificent as when we were younger. I poured a glass for you.”_ Katrina closes her eyes and clears her throat. He wants to look away but it is as if he no longer has the capability to do so. _“Gabriel, if you are alive and survived, do me a favor, even without me, please be free. Be happy… even without me.”_

The words echoed in the room as the light of the device shuts down. It was one of their parting words back in the day. It was also his last words on the message that he had recorded for his last will for her. He swallows hard as his chin trembles. Once that first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. Gabriel hunches forward from where he is sitting on the floor, pressing her palms to the mat. As more tears came, more thoughts whirl through his head. If he had been fast enough, Katrina would’ve been here with him. They could’ve watched Perseids together, instead, he’s alive and she’s nothing but a speck of dust in space.

The container opens and inside it was the blanket that she helped knitted when she was fifteen with her grandmother. The same blanket that witnessed all the joys and tears in her life. It is also the same knitted blanket that they used when they went to watch the Perseid meteor shower in Iowa. He takes the blanket from the enclosure and caressed it. It is as soft as he remembers. A note fell. He picks it up and read.

 

_I hope it brings you comfort, Gabriel. It is the last thing I can do. Take care of yourself._

 

_Ever yours,_

_Katrina_

 

His clutches the blanket tightly as the new wave of tears threatens to fall from his eyes. “I’m sorry Kat. I’m sorry,” he repeats like a mantra as he slumps on the floor with the container in front of him and her handwriting on his chest. “Please come back, please,” he mutters inaudibly.

 _“It’s not your fault, Gabe.”_ The words reverberate in his head. Even now that she’s gone, she’s still pacifying him, keeping him grounded.

_“Be free. Be happy.”_

“How can I, Kat? You’re my happiness and you’re gone.”

 

* * *

 

Gabriel sets the boxes on the floor and seals the apartment. His quiet footfalls resonate in the quietness of halls as he walks away from the apartment that once was their haven. He can feel the box in his pocket. One day, he’ll have the courage to fly in space again to give the ring back to the rightful owner. For now, he must keep it safe. That’s the least he can do for her.


End file.
